I am an Artist
About a year ago, a light turned on inside of me. I’m not just a hobbist of many crafts, I am an artist. But what does this mean? That’s what I’m in the middle of discovering.
I’ve really missed blogging and while reading a best friends’ blog, Nikki said something that resonated with my soul about sharing when we are still in the middle,
We may ask ourselves, what is there to learn from someone who hasn’t solved the puzzle yet? Hasn’t summited the mountain or thrown the boogeyman off her back? What is there to learn from the woman who hasn’t yet succeeded?
More than you can imagine, because for those of us still in it, hope billows up from the efforts of others refusing to give up, even if the pace forward is nearly imperceptible. And while we should still look to people who have successfully traversed life’s biggest challenges for inspiration and hope, let’s start lifting up those who are still fighting their way through, because it is in that part of the fight where we need community the most.
I haven’t been sharing my life in hopes that I’d be able to tell you at the “end.” When I’m all healed. When I am I have fully stepped into the new occupation of Artist. But I’m tired of waiting for that right time.
This weekend we decided to sign the lease on another year on our dream apartment. I looked around my Fishtank (the name of my office) and realized that this isn’t an office just for my 88spire work. This is my studio. Since I am an artist, then I need everything to be efficient and functional for me and my projects.
This is what living in my power would mean to me.
Side note: I’m currently learning about mind/body/soul work in relation to pain and symptoms by reading, “Crushing Doubt” by Dr. Dan Ratner. He teaches how to a find pathways to intrinsic power. For years now I’ve been living powerlessly with glimpses of former power. It sucks, but I’m healing. Also, recently a girlfriend also shared with me that there have been studies on energy in relationship to authenticity. I found an article about the Science of Authenticity here. It makes so much sense to me that if you’re living as your true self, and not in the people pleasing perfectionist mode, your mental health improves. You become a magnet and attract all the right things for you.
As some of you may know, I am currently struggling with chronic fatigue, brain fog, and weight gain. I’ve questioned if these final symptoms of illness are related to things like living inauthentically and burn out. Not just all in my head, but proof in my body.
So as I move forward with my life, I can’t help but wonder:
What do I want? Where do I want things? How do I work best? What projects light up my soul? What can I stop pretending? Where can I stop performing? What does living in my power look like for me?
I started with my home. Completing projects that have been pending for years. I ventured to Ikea to get the height extensions on my bookcase to display my journals, door knobs for my cabinet, and shelves for the bedroom. I reorganized the cabinet to be fully functional and make sense to me. All the random items pilled in the window sill, desk, and behind the lamp now have a home. I hung all the posters from Stern Grove and Outside Lands this summer because they bring me joy. Made a home for all the hats scattered in random places. I bought peel n’ stick wallpaper for the bedroom closet that I’ve been dying to do for three years. We hung fallen photos that have been waiting on the floor for months. Fixed a shoe cabinet whose door fell off. Figured out a plan on how to hang lamps from the ceiling.
In doing all this with the help of my family and friends, I realized this is the first time I’m viewing my Fishtank as my creative workspace and owning that it needs to be functional for me. This whole time I’ve been viewing this as my office for 88spire. A job I haven’t been able to return to fully in one and half years. Feeling like I’m failing someone or some thing every time I can’t sit at my desk and “work.” No one would want to be in a room where they feel like they are a disappointment. My artistry isn’t paying for this room yet. It’s a mixture of the imposter syndrome and feeling like I’m not worthy to be in this space.
What would it feel like to grow into my space and own it instead of feeling unworthy?
In February 2023, Bryan surprised me with one of Kate Tova’s Street Hearts for my fish tank. I always said I would own a piece by her some day. We were lucky enough to be able to pick it up in her studio in San Francisco at the time and I was in awe. It was unapologetically her and absolutely breathtaking. I’ve noticed that’s how established artist are. They own their space, tools, materials, and even clothing. They don’t seem to feel guilty that they spent $$$ on their crafts. Everything is a reflection of themselves. Hanging Kate’s (he)art in my space, reminds me to step into my artistry with confidence and pride.
As I’m doing all this, I realize I’m creating space for what is to come. I’m setting myself up for success. I’m welcoming inspiring projects with wonderful people. It feels good to step into my power and live with organization. I’m excited to step into the Fishtank every day to see what I’ll be creating.
What’s one step you can take today to live in your power?
