On Relearning How to Play
Earlier this year, I discovered that part of my chronic fatigue was caused by burn out. Specifically from perfectionism, people-pleasing, and overachieving. I am burned out from doing this my whole life and my system refuses to perform at this level anymore. I’m sick of trying to prove my worth in this world. I only want to produce and perform if I choose to.
I’ve been actively practicing how to play and I will say my life is so much more fun! I’m giving myself permission to be me and do things I want to do, even if there’s “no ‘good’ reason.” As a society, we are encouraged to work, produce, perform, consume, repeat. Working is important and necessary to afford a life we love. AND we also need to find a healthy balance and make it our priority to play. For it is where joy can be created.
History of Lil’ Miss Perfect
One of the books I read on burn out and in speaking with my healer, Heather, I learned the cures are self-compassion and play. “I have this sense there was a lack of play in your childhood,” Heather said one session in the beginning of this year. Of course I played.
Suddenly, I had this memory of me in the first grade (almost) bobbing for apples with my classmates in the fall. I didn’t participate because I told my teacher, “I can’t get my hair wet. My mom will get mad." It’s not that I never played. It’s that there were times I didn’t just get to be messy and imperfect. I wasn’t supposed to mess up my hair, get my clothes dirty. Do things just for fun. There had to be a purpose, or it wasn’t worth time, energy, money, or attention. When I look at other kids in my childhood, they were allowed to be messy and imperfect. Why couldn’t I?
When I pictured my inner child, the one expected to be perfect, she is five years old wearing an Easter dress with her hair curled in tight ringlets and a matching bow headband. I bent down and asked her, “Do you want to go play and be messy?” She hesitated to look back at the female figures who loved seeing her so pretty as if to ask for their permission. “It’s okay,” I said taking her hand. “We can always come back.”
I helped her change into play clothes. She chose to wear her shirt inside out, sweats, and pink fringed cowboy boots. She climbed a tree to a treehouse. She laid on her belly and began painting with her fingers.
Immediately, I heard a female voice say with horror, “Whose kid is that!?”
“It’s mine.” This girl is allowed to be messy and wear whatever she wants. I’m giving her permission to be a kid. So as an adult, I embraced this outfit so my inner child would feel seen and safe.
For more on parts work check out, No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring to Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model.
Starting Small – Playing with Clothes
Play to me means doing things for no reason other than to do it because I want to. Not for social media, grow followers, to be in an art gallery, win an award, make money, or impress someone. Just doing something because my mind/body/soul want to do it.
I started small and safe in relearning how to play. I followed the clues of my healing meditation with Heather to wardrobe.
Since my 5-year-old self loved cowboy boots, I purchased these Betsy Johnson rhinestone cowboy boots (on sale) in honor of her. I drove to one of my favorite vintage stores in SF and she helped me find an outfit that put a smile on my face. (Notice my face in the photos below as I try on outfits).
Then I courageously strutted in this getup to the Cowboy Carter concert. This was one of my first big practices of me playing with clothes again. The former fashionista and shopaholic who believed she lost her style somewhere along her journey. I didn’t care if it was too over the top to some or ridiculous. I felt silly and confident! Everyone who engaged with me at the concert LOVED my outfit. I found a place that would accept and love me for me as I loved all their fully expressed outfits too. I didn’t do it for the gram or for others. I dressed up because it made me feel good.
Can you find someone to play with you? Don’t feed the gators (haters, judging types), play with the monkeys (playmates, cheerleaders)!
The same goes with this year’s Halloween costume. I wanted to be Rumi from K-Pop Demon Hunters because this is a movie I wish I had growing up. I feel these songs in my core as they reflect what I’m feeling right now, especially the songs, “Golden” and “What it Sounds Like.” What did we do for Halloween? We got to take our nieces trick-or-treating. At first I was like, “Why do I need to dress up? She won’t know what character I am or remember we did this. Maybe I should just wear sweats.” But then I thought, “No, maybe it’ll be great for my niece to see me as my confident, badass self.” Even if I didn’t totally feel that way at first. It also really helped that Laura and Bryan encouraged me to wear it. Plus I made the effort to find all this stuff and didn’t want it to go unworn. As I was carrying the two year old and newborn uphill both ways in Cole Valley to get their candy, I magically began to feel strong, powerful, and confident. I didn’t win any awards with my costume or make a profit somehow. It brought me joy and confidence. That was more than enough of a reason to do it.
What’s something small within your means that you can do to start playing?
Playing at Work
Another example of play is for more the category of work. I bought a typewriter, charmera, oil pastels and gouache paints in the past month. At first, I was so mad at myself for buying more art supplies. “Why can’t you just make something with what you already have? Why can’t you use a computer? Why do you need to lug this typewriter with you to Mexico and write this blog?”
Because it’s FUN. Typing on a typewriter makes writing enjoyable for me. It’s just me and a blank sheet of paper. No one interrupting my thoughts to tell me I spelled a word incorrectly. I feel power with each letter I push down. It’s intentional. I can reach a flow state in seconds that modern technology no longer helps me achieve. This is the most I’ve written in years and I feel fantastic and powerful doing it.
As for the charmera, it was so silly to shoot on a camera on a key chain. Yet, I was able to do street photography without much notice. They’re so much fun!
Oil pastels make me feel like I’m playing with adult crayons. I can finally get my food art to feel like there’s frosting on it. Like you can taste it. Gouache is a new challenge to watercolors without me making the full commitment to acrylics.
On set, I’ve been bringing my film cameras and taking BTS photos. I play music when appropriate.
How can you make work more fun?
Background on Scarcity Mindset and Waste
The other day I went to Japantown because I was feeling rather homesick. I ate all the foods I was craving without guilt or shame. I went to the art store and spent $124. Again, I was mad at myself, “Why do I need more art supplies? This isn’t making me any money.” Later that evening, after typing out my thoughts, I came to the epiphany, “My art does not need to make any money. I have abundance. I have a way to make money. At this moment, I just want to make art.”
My art doesn’t need the added pressures. I just want to do art because I want to do it. I have lived my whole life believing that I can’t do something without it having a greater purpose. It has to make me money, it has to heal me, it has to be the answers I’ve been looking for, or it’s not worth my time/energy/resources. I come from immigrant grandparents who were negatively influenced by WWII. I was always encouraged to think about how much money something would make me. In 2013, I was dreaming of being a yoga teacher. My grandpa reasonably asked me, “How many yoga classes do you have to teach to pay for the yoga teacher training?” A lot, probably years worth? So I didn’t do it. But that’s not why you become a yoga teacher as Heather pointed out. You do it because you have something to offer to others. I can feel scarcity and fear in my DNA (for further reading: It Didn’t Start with You).
I constantly hear the voice, “We are not allowed to waste in this household.” Is creating art from my heart a waste? No, it’s not. Maybe to some.
Here’s my example of how it is not: I was in a down for a month. It felt like I was carrying 1,000 pounds when I was moving. One tool that helps is gummies (edibles). They have the power to help me rewire my brain. It’s fun and freeing. I have the best create sessions and meditations because there are less limitations. I am connected to my muse (which I can do without gummies as well, but in a down, it helps so much). So, after the Japantown excursion, packing a little for Mexico, and cleaning, I sat down to draw mochi donuts with oil pastels.
Side story: I wanted to buy a fruity pebble donut and an ube one because they were pretty, but I didn’t want to eat them. I loved the colors of those ones. Bryan put on his logical voice and said, “That would be a waste.” He wasn’t entirely wrong so I didn’t fight him. But I really wanted to draw them! His voice emulated what most adults in my life would have said. Each donut costs about $4. That $8 might have been the best mochi donut art the world has ever seen, but now we may never know. Wayne Theibaud used to buy cakes and pastries all time for his art. Did he eat them all? Did he make millions off each one he bought? Did he think this was a waste of food? I’m guessing no.
Anyways, I brought home my strawberry and (Bryan’s) glazed mochi donuts and began to draw. The first try was pretty crappy in the sense that I couldn’t get the coloring to pop and look how I imagined it. The second time, I nailed it. I could taste my art! It looked how I wanted it to and brought me JOY, even in my down.
What limiting beliefs and thoughts prevent you from playing? Whose voices or what phrases do you hear telling you playing is a waste?
Mastery
When I told this story to Heather, she said, “Oh, so you’ve achieved mastery.”
I guess so! I finally achieved it! I purchased the materials needed to make this happen. I studied from Wayne and other artists on Instagram. I was able to achieve the feeling that was inside of me to come out on the page. I was so excited for my imperfect donuts that I posted it immediately to my IG wall knowing it would never get the love I thought it deserved. But I didn’t care. I wanted to mark this moment of mastery. Of working through generational traumas and societal restrictions. Of showing my form of play to a burned-out society that consumes more than it creates. I celebrated myself.
Final thoughts
Anyways, if you made it this far in the blog, thank you for reading. I know it was a long one. My points being: Remember and relearn to play as an adult. It’s important. Start small to grow trust in your system. Talk calmly and patiently to the voices screaming in your head that you shouldn’t do that or don’t deserve to. Try writing a letter to the voice(s) filling you with shame and guilt. Play dancing music while you do chores. Buy that thing you’ve always wanted to play with, but thought it was a waste of money. Follow the clues and voices saying, “I can do that,” or “That sounds fun!” Take yourself on a play date (alone or with a friend)! Do that thing that you’ve always wanted to do or dress up just because. Write yourself a permission slip to play. Invite people to play with you. Hang out with people who already know how to play and join them on one of their excursions! Things are more enjoyable with the right people!
My friend told me her 90+ year old mother-in-law still has a to-do list. If we are always going to have a to-do list until the day we die, why not make life more fun!?
Go out and play!
Xo,
