On Turning 40
And other musings on aging
Since my birthday is in a couple of days (19th), I am one of the first in my circles to turn 40 for those born in 1986. Born a month early, right on the cusp of both the year of the Ox (rebellious)/Tiger (fiery) and Capricorn (ambitious)/Aquarius (innovative). A leader by nature. Anyways, I thought it would be nice to pave the way for us who are internally trying not to freak out. I’ve been doing a lot of processing and healing leading up to this decade, and wanted to share some of my thoughts. Feel free to take what you want, leave what you don’t.
Age is just a number
The older I become, the more true these cliches are becoming. But it’s true. Age can just be a number. Be honest with yourself. How old do you feel? Act? Think? Look? My Nana was still clubbing in her 80s. Dead serious. I don’t feel 40…well, maybe that’s because I’m writing this in the final days of my 30s. I think there’s definitely a time and place where you need to act your age or even older. Screw people who have to say we have to grow up. I think you can be a responsible adult and still need your mom’s shoulder to cry on at times. If we get to decide what 40 looks like, feels like, etc., then why not have fun with it?
Also, if you’re freaking out about looking old, check out this podcast I love called, “You Make Sense-Body Image, Aging, and Self-Acceptance. ” I agree with my new friend Sarah that aging is beautiful. I have earned my wrinkles and lines, which I wear like a badge. And also, if I can slow down the process naturally, I’ll be happy to. To each their own on this topic. I am not judging anyone who does treatments of any kind. I am just choosing to rebel against our society that’s obsessed with all things anti-aging. I found Sarah’s advice on this topic to be quite lovely and encouraging. I’m actually loving all her podcast, but this one really hit home.
Mid-life Crisis vs Mid-life Calibration
As a victim of someone else’s mid-life crisis, I decided that I will not have one. Not the type where I buy tons of things I can’t afford, or cheat on my husband. Often, those kinds of mid-life crises hurt others and constitute toxic behavior. I feel like I have lived and created a very wonderful life for myself. An imperfect one full of struggles and surprises. I am familiar with the need to go through a crisis, as I definitely went through my quarter-life crisis fresh out of college, which was full of “What the h#ll am I doing with my life?” But I have lived my life following the other cliché, “Do what you love, love what you do.”
But if you haven’t lived this way and want some change or to pivot, let me suggest renaming mid-life crisis to mid-life calibration. Let’s pause for a moment to reflect on our lives and see what was working for us and what wasn't. Let’s check our inventory, pivot, reprogram, learn something new, grow, etc. You don’t have to have a mid-life crisis. It’s a choice, not some disease you can catch. Let’s see if we can create a healthier example for future generations.
The impact of my mentor involving me in his midlife crisis has negatively impacted me for 13 years. Please do not be this type of person who causes damage and chaos all because you’re freaking out that you may not be living the life you thought you’d live. Take some baby steps to pivot.
Journal Prompts
I started journaling to work on my midlife calibration, and here are some prompts that may or may not serve you. Feel free to apply to other decades:
· What do you want to leave behind, shed in your 30s?
o I want to leave behind toxic relationships, behaviors, and my health issues. The feeling of being powerless and voiceless. The phrase, “I’m fine,” when I’m not.
· What are you grateful for about your 30s, and what did you learn?
o I am grateful for meeting Bryan, for building our company, and for the life we have built. For finding all my healers and creating a fabulous support system. I learned that my perfectionism, people pleasing, and overachieving ways were crippling me and holding me back from being me. I learned to love all parts of me and heal my generational trauma. I learned how to heal my body, mind, and soul. I stepped into my artistry and boss babe self. I retrieved my power from the pits of hell and recovered lost gems and pearls. Without this healing journey, I wouldn’t have become this strong and capable for whatever is coming next.
· What do you want to call in for your 40s? What are some of your goals? How do you want to feel?
o I am living in my power in my 40s. I give zero f*cks while also being mindful and respectful to others. I am balanced, permanently healed. I relish in abundance in more ways than one. I live with ease. I make time and have energy for all that is most important to me.
Shift Your Perspective
I am also choosing to view life as a gift. We can choose our thoughts, and two opposing truths can be true simultaneously. I am freaking out that I’m turning 40, and I am celebrating that I made it this far. Seven years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1. In that time, I have survived hundreds of days in depression, over a hundred in which I battled suicidal ideation, and months in the hospital due to mania. It’s not an exaggeration that if I didn’t have my support system and tools, I wouldn’t have made it to 40.
I have also lost friends in the past few years, tragically or suddenly. None of them lived to 40, and that f*cking sucks. With each of their deaths, I refuse to let them be in vain. I believe that there’s a lesson to be learned, a message to be received from them. They have become my guardian angels with whom I can converse at any time. One of them has even saved my life on a day I almost gave up. Most recently, I suddenly lost an old bestie from 2010, and today (the 17th) is her birthday. How ridiculous would I be if I were crying about aging when my friend didn’t make it to her 39th?
So if you have lost someone too soon, too young, or want to borrow from one of my angels, try to shift your perspective. Each day and the people in our lives are gifts that we should not take for granted.
Celebrate Good Times, Come On!
I’m choosing how I want to celebrate. I’ve had some amazing birthday parties, and many in my youth that involved tears and drama. For my 38th, I threw an awesome party where I shared my creative outlets with my loved ones called “Ronnie’s World.”
For my 40th, I decided to keep it simple. I just want to celebrate with each person or group individually. I want to celebrate with people who will pat me on the back and be so happy that I am healing and have made it this far. Who will acknowledge both my accomplishments and struggles. I’ll be celebrating all year, so feel free to reach out and schedule something with me if you are one of these people (or groups). I’d love to celebrate and catch up, doing something that is just so “us”!
Do something memorable for your 40th. I give you permission. Give yourself permission. Make lots of memories. Celebrate with those who get you. I get it, parties and doing things cost money. Find something within your means and the means of others, but celebrating life and milestones is important. Celebrating all the small daily accomplishments are extremely important. It feeds our souls and connects us. Let people love you and love yourself. Treat yo’self! Get that haircut, set of nails, outfit that makes you feel and look fabulous. You deserve it! Okay, and fine, we can also have a funeral for our youth, but please try not to let it last for more than a day. Cry it out and let it go. Remember, two opposing things can be true.
Alright, I’m going to sign off and celebrate! I’m on my way to Sayulita with my parents and Bryan to ring in my 40s. See you soon! Happy birthday to us ‘86ers!
Xoxo,
Veronica
