On Returning to Wholeness
As I reflect on 2025 and skim through my 12,000+ photos, the word that comes to mind to summarize it is “wholeness.” In learning to forgive myself, I have reached wholeness. It’s been a 13 year healing journey (7 years with a Biploar 1 diagnosis) and it feels fantastic to reach the end/beginning. And also a little infuriating. I reached my wholeness in October, but I wanted to make it through December without a manic episode before announcing it. You know, just in case.
“Shamans believed that when there was illness or disease, it was because a person’s power had been left behind somewhere or a negative pattern had installed itself in them.” (Source: Angels and Ancestors by Kyle Gray)
I know where I left my power behind. It was in 2012 when I sent an email promising someone (who would never forgive me) that “I will never forgive myself.” Over time, I forgot I even wrote that binding contract. It wasn’t until an October session with Heather that I recalled this. Originally in this session, I brought up the topic about how I was unable to have forgiveness towards another woman. Heather responded with, “You are being asked to give the same forgiveness that you lacked.”
All my walls began to melt, the contract burned. Why could I forgive all these other versions of me from that same time period, but not this girl for this one action? I had locked her away with the promise, “I will never forgive you.” Look at all the damage that has caused in my life.
How could I have spent 13 years trying to heal myself only to walk right back to the beginning? It was laughable and infuriating. Why did it take so long? Why couldn’t I have healed faster, sooner, earlier? Why couldn’t I have been diagnosed properly to begin with (complex trauma and a dysregulated nervous system)? Why didn’t anyone tell me sooner that I was on The Heroine’s Journey and not the Hero’s?
When I brought my anger and frustration to Heather in another session, she reminded me of the person I was when I first met her 3 years prior. I was in complete freeze mode, unable to function, and recovering from another manic episode. Even if she had given me all the answers to getting my power back, it would have felt like an impossible task at that time causing me to shut inward even more. What I love about the work she does is she titrates. “We go slow to heal fast,” she always says. So week after week, month after month, we followed the threads and uncovered forgotten gems. I grew my capacity, strength and power.
In 2018, when I experienced my first manic episode, I recalled the doctor telling me to accept Bipolar 1 as my new norm. A doom diagnosis. To be frank, for me that norm was not one worth living for. A life full of manic/depressive episodes that would eventually take my life and mind. With each manic episode, I felt my brain deteriorating. Another alternative was to be a zombie version of myself on heavy medications. I did not accept this norm, this diagnosis. I would change my entire way of being if it meant I could shed even half of this diagnosis by limiting the episodes and their severity. I was taught and guided by other woman who have been manic free for over 20 years.
The things that worked for me the most were not covered by my insurance. I am forever grateful for the love, support, and tools shared with me to reach this place. I couldn’t have lived this long or done it without my support team. Maybe someday I’ll be able to show you my healing, heroine’s journey. How I healed my ptsd, complex trauma, my gut. How I learned to transform my perfectionism, people pleasing and overachieving toxic behaviors into healthy ones. How I learned the importance of quality sleep and healthy boundaries. How I stepped into the title - Artist. How I rewired and am healing my brain. How I healed generational trauma — past to future. How I relearned how to play and the importance of stillness. How to regulate my nervous system. How I embraced all my parts and got them to work together. How I crushed my doubts and fears in order to step into my power. How I learned self-compassion and grace.
But for now, you can just ask me if you’re interested or believe that one of my tools can be a clue for you.
I am thrilled to see what 2026 entails as I am ready to step into my full power and a new decade.
My theme for 2026:
Live in my Power.
If you are reading this and struggling on your own journey, let this be your encouragement to keep going. Keep seeking answers. Keep trying new things. Keep believing one day you can reach wholeness and healing. Keep learning to love yourself wherever you are at in this journey. Find the right people who will help you heal and surround yourself with a solid support system. Teach them how they can be there for you. Find a way to come home to yourself. Take the steps, baby steps. “Go slow to heal fast.”
Much love,
